Damien The Update Wizard

The Woeful Tale of Damien, The Update Wizard

It was ten o'clock in the evening, and the internet was already bathed in a sea of self pity.
"feeling kind of down atm; as soon as i start being happy life takes it away from me :,("
The flood of replies were instantaneous.
"dnt wrry babe, Im here for u <3"
"cheer up hun itll all get better soon!"
"whats up man?need someone to talk too?
Damien reclined into his chair and took a look at his handiwork, smirking as everything went to plan.

It was a year ago that Damien discovered his talent. Having suffered a break-up with his girlfriend he retreated to Facebook and posted a heart-wrenching, emotionally charged status: "just broke up with Lucy. feeling sooo sad why do these things happen to meshe was my everything ;__;"
After his soul was posted for all to see Damien noticed how his reply count increased exponentially. Instead of just four or five messages a day he got twice that amount in just five minutes. Thus Damien devised his method for attaining notoriety amongst his peers; if he fabricated these statuses about his feelings, he could, in effect, control everybody's response. He would be a God of the Internet.

But there still needed to be testing done, so, over the next few weeks, Damien posted numerous updates about his so called 'feelings' and the supposed bad luck he was having: "Saw a cloud today and thought of lucy ;___;"
"I just cut myself why doeslife hate me soo much?"
And perhaps his favourite one to use: "FML!!!"
Slowly and surely his hypothesis proved to be correct. Damien found himself in a position of absolute power. He controlled everyone's responses, and no-one could call him 'self-indulgent' or call him a 'whiner' lest they be torn apart by his loyal mob. Damien now had sway over all of his contacts…and it wasn't enough.

And so, a year later, at 10 o'clock in the evening, Damien relaxed in his chair whilst looking at his post and smiled. This one wasn't bad; definitely not as good as the 'Opticians Crisis' in December, but it would hold all of his minions in check. Satisfied, he prepared to log off and complete his nightly ritual by furiously masturbating, as per usual, when the message box flicked up: One new post. Thinking it was another well-wisher, Damien clicked on the box. Surprisingly, it wasn't a reply to his status, but rather, an Instant Message. Perplexed, Damien clicked on it to be greeted with one sentence: "YOU ARE NOT AS TORTURED AS ME, UPDATE WIZARD!"

Outraged at this insolence, Damien checked the name of the sender: 'Seth O'Donnell'. Clicking on it, Damien was bamboozled with text everywhere. Almost every space was taken up with some sort of self-pitying, moaning, angst-filled status. Damien took a sharp intake of breath. AND ALL OF THEM HAD REPLIES! Some up to thirty! This Seth, he was a genius, a Master Craftsmen. He didn't give his flock of sheep time to do anything else except give him kind words of encouragement. He had control over them, all the time, every time. Dumbstruck, Damien slumped down onto his chair. Minutes passed in silence before Damien, incensed, messaged Seth back: "Then a war it is, Status Sorcerer…"